My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Nomnomnomnom
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Never be a pizza!
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please