If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
smartest karate player in the world
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
…żyje?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.