servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
an airline just for babies.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.