[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
i want the dreams to chase me for once
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW