Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
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I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Bobby pin
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”