Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
B
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.