SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
your elf on the shelf was delicious
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.