My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Spring cleaning checklist…