Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people