You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.