I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”