Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You Might Also Like
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
<- sleeps well with others
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.