Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
there’s probably a fee though
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I have never related to a cat more
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”