If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
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My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.