Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
no one ever comes back
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.