I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
A short story of betrayal:
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.