Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Mistakes were made
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat