Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh