I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
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I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?