EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
“i miss shittin on people”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.