dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line