i guess his teacher was really pissed
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??