FRED: right
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*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means