I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.