Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
repaired
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s