I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.