What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Pikachu found the lost joint
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*