There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Girl, same.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.