Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
You Might Also Like
Name another movie that mislead you?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
my first dose meeting my second
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You can’t rush stupid.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.