Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying