[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.