I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
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Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.