i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m dying louder than usual today.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”