My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I think the cat got the dog high.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
i can’t wait that long
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.