This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Tastes like chicken.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
scared to check what name she chose
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.