Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
You Might Also Like
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The Others (2001)
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
i spent way too long on this
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
me refusing to leave twitter
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”