“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Nice try Hitler
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals