I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”