I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI