Dance like you’re not the father
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Bike for sale
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.