Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
this is the most humiliating day of my life
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My teenage children choosing violence
Admin smashed it 😂
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Brb my Sims are getting married
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work