Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!