My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
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I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
#gardening
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I’m not stressed
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit