I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
best review i’ve ever seen
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened