Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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I hope this email punches you square in the face
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
BRAKING NEWS!!
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.