wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.