Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
going ballistic. anyone need anything?