Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf