a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.