Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.